Sometimes I can't help myself and one thought is leading no another. Then everything seems to burst, you prepare, and then is doesn't burst 
When something like that happens, everything seems to go wrong and everything is annoing me. Traffic, behaviour of my belove cats, Stef being nice to me and ofcourse me, myself & I...
This cicle started yesterday. I won't tell the whole story but the most important part. In a way I heard that I might recognize myself in HPS (High Sensitve Person) and there were a few symptoms mentioned and most of them, I could relate to. I was already a bit familiar with it because a friend of mine was "diagnosed" with this character trait (I don't know how you exactly pronounce it in English but this comes close right?) last year. The most symptoms she has, I didn't recognize myself in so I didn't even think about the fact that I was an HSP also.
So I looked up a lot of information about it and run a test online. It says that I'm quite sensitive. Now I know those internet tests don't say anything so I was planning on going to an alternate therapist who could help me more with this. I talked with a friend about this and she told me that she already knew I was an HSP. She is one herself and recognized a lot in me. So every piece of the puzzle was falling into one piece. Everything was making sence. And there I go... And endless wave of thoughts about everything and it was starting to overflow. So I went for a walk with Stef, the dog and Yoshi. I could not stop talking and could not stop walking. It took a while before I calmed down so we could turn back home. Back home we lay down in the yard and just do nothing but listening to Yoshi making noice, traffic and the sounds of our own breaths.
This morning I woke up and was feeling like crap. I felt extremely down, I was very nauseous, feeling scared, confused and nervous and to finish it all, I was realy tired! After throwing up, I decided to stay at home to rest some and think about things without losing it again. Well I rested because I practically slept all morning. I had nightmares last night so I was kind off scared to go to sleep but now I had just a stupid meaningless dream about Stef bringin home a beautifull fish for our fish we already had because is was lonely.. Right... So I actually slept without waking up tired of having very active dreams/nightmares.
I'm still figuring out about what HSP means to me and what I can do to make it easier for me. I already made agreements with Stef about certain thing what could help us in our relationship. I also decided to talk to him everytime when I am having one of my "episodes" so I can calm down a lot faster. I also decided I have to learn to trust other people with my issues without thinking they think I'm crazy or overreacting. That won't be an easy task for me, but it is necessary for when I need someone and Stef is not around because those "episodes" are killing me and driving me crazy.
For now HSP means this for me:
- I notice a lot of details when I visit someone or something
- Handeling animals is a lot easier for me then handeling human beings.
- I can't be in crowded situations
- I got over stimulated a lot
- Most of the time I'm scared
- Scared of people in general
- Scared to go to new places
- Scared to meet new people
- When I'm busy with something, I can't answer to questions most of the time because I have trouble concentrating and I have to start all over again.
- I'm a perfectionist
- I feel the judgement of people all the time even when they are not judging me
- I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once.
- I don't like big changes
- I feel misunderstood a lot
- I am bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes.
- I'm creative
- I like to watch detectives so I can help solving things.
- I do not like tv shows and films with violence in it like in action movies
- I feel very uncomfortable when feeling things are getting out of your control.
- I experience mood swings, sometimes occurring almost instantly and can also be affected by other people's moods, emotions and problems.
- I can become stressed out and upset when overwhelmed and may find it necessary to get away
- I can get concerned and think or worry about many things, and have also been told "you take things too personally."
- I have had the experience of "cutting people out" of your life
- I often have nightmares and very active dreams of recent events
- I talk to myself in another person often so I can give myself advice and relief a bit
- I have trouble falling into sleep almost every night
- When something changes is my living space, I might not feel safe anymore untill It's gone or changed back
- At the end of the day, even if it is a slow day to others, I feel tired.
So... This is a start of the list I know I forgot some but whatever. They say it's a gift to have this trait. But I don't see it yet because it is causing me more trouble then beauty. But I try to be optimistic and think it might me beautifull when I learn to live with this trait so it won't bother me that much anymore.
Hope everyone understands this, I don't know if anybody is reading my blogs anyway...
